I originally wrote this 11/12/14
The List, you know it.
I wrote my first draft in middle school with my best friend at the time, Tresina. "Green or blue eyes, tall, sensitive and can cook." Oh how the times have changed.
Actually, I have changed. Now, the list goes something like, "exhibits leadership qualities, can be my teammate in prayer and ministry, is a protector AND has green or blue... just kidding. Now that I've grown to a total of 5'3 3/4", height isn't important as it once was, and as for eyes, I'm a fan of chocolaty brown myself. Cooking, on the other hand- yes please. Oh, and as for sensitive, I guess the updated adult version would read something like "assertive and a direct communicator, yet emotionally mature and level-headed."
Oh the list. The idea for this post sparked when the real reason dawned on me (today, in fact) why I've kept a list all these years. In middle school, I wrote it because it was fun- two best friends talking about their dream guy. But in high school and college? It was a constantly increasing list of unreachable standards. At some point, and I don't know when it happened, my list turned from a silly activity to a bar exam. I kept on revising the list to make it more and more impossible for any human to fill. My moment of truth today hit with this realization: even if my dream guy walked up to me and asked me out, I would have still rejected him.
This, I concluded, is a problem. It points to the painstakingly obvious reality that I just plainly didn't want to be pursued by a man, not just yet. For most of my life, I've lived with an irrational fear of men. This has resulted in a lot of awkward interactions with men and a track record of zero boyfriends. This has some tremendous consequences, mainly that it just sucks.
Keeping all men at arms distance? Or what's worse is trying to get close to them, but accidentally making things awkward (by either accidentally over sharing or unintentionally sending flirting messages, trust me, I've done both things numerous times), then distancing yourself once you realize how awkward you've made things.
The real tragedy is missing out on dads. The cool thing about my dad is that he's kind of a really good dad. For whatever reason I'm only now learning this. Chalk it up to age or maturity or something. Unfortunately, during this lifetime of having an irrational fear of men, I kept many fatherly men at arms length. I still catch myself critically looking for any signs of impure motives.
But back to the list: I think I'm going to do a major revision. Instead of having list of impossible perfection for a man of superior looks, morals and character, I think I might just revise it to be a list of actual traits I could find in an actual man.
Direct communicator. (a man who says what he means? attractive)
Leadership qualities (hey, we're going to rule the world together, right?)
Emotional maturity and a level head (I've come so far, but in moments of weakness, usually a firm statement balances me out.)
Authority in prayer (because I'm not about that life of looking to myself to be the only one who stands against spiritual warfare)
Editor's note. As of 3/2/2017, I am happily married to a wonderful man who loves to cook (and is quite good at it), with blue eyes, of average height, caring, a good listener, assertive and a direct communicator (understatement of the year) and quite emotionally intelligent (something I often tell him I don't take for granted). You'll see that I wrote this during November of 2014, which happens to be a week before the day that my Mr. and I first talked to each other.
